


LOGGING IN USER: BATMAN

by angstyelephant



Series: The Knights of Gotham [4]
Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, DCU (Comics)
Genre: Barbara Gordon is Oracle, Bruce Wayne Has Feelings, Bruce Wayne Has Issues, Bruce Wayne is Bad at Communicating, Bruce Wayne is Batman, Bruce Wayne is a Good Parent, Bruce Wayne thinks Hal Jordan is Dumb, Cassandra Cain is Black Bat, Constructive Criticism Welcome, Damian Wayne is Robin, Diana (Wonder Woman) & Clark Kent & Bruce Wayne Friendship, Dick Grayson is Nightwing, Duke Thomas is Signal, Jason Todd is Red Hood, Not Beta Read, Not Canon Compliant, Not beta read we die like robins, Stephanie Brown is Batgirl, Tim Drake is Red Robin, Unconventional Format, Written like an audio recording
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-12
Updated: 2020-07-17
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:55:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24671956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angstyelephant/pseuds/angstyelephant
Summary: In which Bruce Wayne has an encrypted diary.
Relationships: Batfamily Members & Bruce Wayne, Cassandra Cain & Tim Drake & Dick Grayson & Duke Thomas & Jason Todd & Bruce Wayne & Damian Wayne, Justice League & Bruce Wayne, Stephanie Brown & Tim Drake & Dick Grayson & Duke Thomas & Jason Todd & Bruce Wayne & Damian Wayne
Series: The Knights of Gotham [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/614036
Comments: 17
Kudos: 92
Collections: the batman family





	1. Chapter 1

Begin recording: Entry no. 5473

Saturday. March 18th. 3:37am. 

The League mission to Oa was a relative success, relative considering most of the barracks in the Southern Hemisphere were completely decimated. Leave it to Hal to unnecessarily provoke Sinestro, then try to blame _me_ for "hounding me to hound him." I don't *pause* I don't know what to do with him, Clark and Diana aren't helpful in the slightest. 

Looking through the patrol logs at the moment. It seems Gotham was quiet for once this week. All Rogues accounted for except Scarecrow. Tim's got a most recent sighting in Metropolis: looks like Crane's taken up Luthor's bankrolling offer. Need to start synthesis on possible variants and map out additional weak points around the city. 

*sigh* 

*silence* 

Batcomputer: at the end of this recording, triple-encrypt *pause* and deny all access to this entry for all approved users. *chime* B-3-9, access code 01. *chime* Good. 

I'm tired. I'm so tired. 

An updated scan of Dick's snapped pelvis still shows signs of a hairline break. He can still move, but it's going to get worse if he doesn't stop. I *pause* He won't listen to me. He thinks just because I still go on patrols with a slipped disk, I'll let Tim bowling-ball him into some Rogues. *pause* Batcomputer: upload the suit recording of that. *chime* 

Tim threw Damian into the giant penny again, according to Dick's notes. *unregistered sound* They're going to kill each other. Is this what sibling rivalry is supposed to be like? Clark told me that Damian told Jon, in "utmost secrecy," that he respected all his brothers. Dick's mentioned Tim's appreciation for Damian's art talents. *unregistered sound* *muffled* Those two are going to kill each other and then save each other, just to kill each other again. 

*sigh* Jason. I haven't heard any news of him killing anyone, but he's still angry with me. Diana says he'll always be mad at me, that it's part of his nature now. She says I should try "extending a hand" to him, repair our relationship. How do I do that when all he really wants to do is shoot me in the face? 

Cass tells me that all Jason wants is a family. Our arms are open, the Manor is his. He joins us every now and then, but what more can I do? What more should I do? *unregistered sound* *unregistered sound* I just *pause* I just want my boy back. My little boy that I failed.

How do I maintain my moral code, but bring my boy back to me? Bring all my kids back for that matter? Dick will never forgive me for seeing him as a sidekick, or for bringing Jason and Tim and Damian and Steph into this fight, or for losing all of them. Jason will never for give me for not avenging him. Tim and Steph will never forgive me for underestimating them. Damian will never forgive me for taking _his_ Batman away. Cass and Duke are the only ones who see me for me, but that's just because Cass knows what it's like and Duke is new.

*silence*

What happens when I fail Duke, like I failed all the others?

*silence*

Batcomputer: decrypt the following under condition 'Contingency' *chime*

When I'm gone, know that I tried--that I wanted to try. I loved them all. All of them, even *pause* even Hal. Without them, my world would truly be dark. Without them, I would have lost my moral code, I would have become like Owlman or the Flashpoint version of my father Barry told me about.

I'm sorry to those I failed, heroes and civilians alike. I'm sorry for letting you slip through my hands. I'm sorry for trying to bring light into Gotham with my Robins, then failing to catch them. I'm sorry for starting this war.

*sigh* It's not who I am underneath, but what I do that defines me. I am not Gotham's white knight. I've failed so many times, and I will always repent for those failures.

I'll always dream about a world with no capes, no Rogues, no metahumans. I'll save everyone in that world. I won't let any of my loved ones die because of me. I won't fail in that world. I'll keep everyone close so I _can't_ fail anyone.

*unregistered sound* *unregistered sound* *unregistered sound*

Batcomputer: re-establish encryption. *chime*

It's...uh...it's 4:22 now. I've got a Wayne e-meeting in five hours. I might as well get some sleep. *pause* I hear Damian's footsteps coming down here. Jon must have texted him we're all back on-planet, Clark told me the kid's got insomnia.

Batcomputer: end log. Triple-encrypt. *chime* B-3-9, access code 01. *chime* Log off user.

LOGGING OFF USER: BATMAN.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Bruce had a nightmare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is inspired by some incredible fan art I found by jjmk-jjmk on Tumblr: https://jjmk-jjmk.tumblr.com/post/165621450957/batman-fan-art. OP's fan art is unbelievable and be ready for several pieces to be inspired by their work. 
> 
> Not canon-compliant, obviously, because DC is an absolute melon on calling Bats a half-decent father and prefer to portray him as an abusive cod. No events referenced. 
> 
> Constructive criticism is always appreciated.

Begin recording: Entry no. 5503 *chime* 

Sunday. April 16th. 2:21am. 

I let everyone have the night off. It's been a terrible week with another mass breakout at Arkham and Ra's teaming up with Scarecrow to get on my last nerves. 

I...I slept at a decent time for once. 10:30 I think. I don't know, the last thing I remember was hearing Tim update Dick's firewall on his laptop. 

*sigh* *pause* 

I had a nightmare. *muffled* My days, I sound like one of the kids. *exhale* Yeah, I had a nightmare and it scared the fucking shit out of me. 

It...it started out fine. For the most part. It was a battleground, looked like Metropolis, or maybe Central. I don't know, definitely wasn't Gotham. There was debris everywhere, torn down buildings and dust in the air. The sunset was beautiful. It kinda felt like a hard-won battle. 

And then I felt my physical body. I was looking up, on my knees, panting. There was a cut down my face, tore the cowl. There was blood in my eye. The smell of blood and ash was overwhelming. I felt cold, bits of my armor was broken. 

My neck was so stiff, but I looked down, in front of me, and my God, I screamed when I saw what was in front of me. I *unregistered sound* *muffled* I fucking screamed my throat raw. It...it was horrifying. 

Damian was lying under a huge chunk of debris. His hair was matted from blood and...and I could see his broken skull. His domino was shredded and his cape was torn up. I...I couldn't move to get him. I couldn't...I couldn't save him. 

Tim was just as bad. His body was hanging off a pile of rubble, his neck too warped. The...the cape he liked, the Vegas ones, was just broken to bits. God, his bo staff was still in his hands, hanging down. I wanted to get up, but *unregistered sound* his body slid off the unbalanced rubble and just...he just crumbled to the solid ground. 

Dick was skewered on chunks of rebar. Or his escrima sticks, I don't know. There was blood running out of his mouth and his domino was missing. His eyes were still open. My boy...*unregistered sound* *unregistered sound* I lost my boy. 

And Jason, my days. Jason, he...he looked like he was asleep. I would've thought he was if it wasn't for the rebar jammed in his thigh and his shattered helmet. The exposed part of his face was covered in blood. It...fuck, it matched his helmet. He was missing his jacket. I...I couldn't find his jacket. He was probably cold. *unregistered sound* *unregistered sound* *unregistered sound* 

*pause* 

I...I don't know where Cassie, Steph, or Duke were. I couldn't see them. I couldn't...fucking shit, I couldn't find them. My earpiece was missing. I don't know if Babs was okay. 

God, my kids. I lost my kids. I failed again. *unregistered sound* I can't...for fuck's sake. *unregistered sound* *muffled* I lost my kids again and I don't even know how it happened. 

I know it was just a dream, but...fuck, it was jarring. 

Please, I know there's Gods and monsters, but whatever controls the fates of my kids...please keep them safe if I can't do that. 

They call me an emotionally-repressed asshole, and I won't deny it. I admit, I don't tell them I love them, and I'm not sure if my actions ever show it. But I love them all, so much, and I regret bringing them into this war. 

Dick and Duke, they needed revenge. Cassie and Damian needed to get out of the League's shadow and find their way into the light. Steph and Jason, they needed a better life than what they had. 

I don't know if my path was what they needed. I don't know if I've done them justice. I lost three of them once already. I wish I never introduced them to this life. I wish I kept them safe, in the daylight. 

*sigh* 

I'm gonna try to do better. I'm gonna try and tell them one day. I need to before I lose them again. I'm gonna talk to Alfred, have him call them all for dinner or a movie night like I used to do when they trusted me more. They all listen to him.

But first, I'm going back to sleep. Whatever Gods control the dreamscape, don't bother this time. Please.

Batcomputer: end log. Triple-encrypt. *chime* B-3-9, access code 01. *chime* Log off user. 

LOGGING OFF USER: BATMAN.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Constructive criticism is always appreciated!

**Author's Note:**

> This one is a bit different, as if Bruce is making a "Captain's Log" entry in the Batcomputer. The *[word]* is meant to represent recorded noises. 
> 
> Hopefully I got a little bit into Bruce as best as I could, maybe. Probably not. The thing with him, his mindset (?) is so complex and there's so much depth in his character and it stems into the depths of all the other Bat characters. Hint, hint: I might explore his psyche a bit more before I call it a day. 
> 
> Events mentioned are not canon compliant.
> 
> Constructive criticism is always appreciated!


End file.
